Where's Sally Jesse When I Need Her?

Not until after I had Cameron did I understand how women went on talk shows for make overs and said they hadn't looked in a mirror for years. But suddenly, I could relate.

I was going to write something about maintaining a certain level of hygiene (washing, brushing) after having Cam, but now that I think about it, that would be a big, fat lie. Clothes were filthy, either too big or too small, covered in god-knows. As close to a mirror as I got was to vaguely glance to see if I had food in my teeth or mascara under my eyes. Hair was in a perma-pony, or I'd put on a hat instead of makeup.

That phase lasted a long, long time.

Not enough pounds lighter but regularly bathed and maintained, I've returned to fashion (well, returned to effort, success is questionable) but not to one of the mirrors I never used to shy away from: the camera.

I just signed up for something that asked for a recent photo of me -- with no one else in it -- and I couldn't find one. Not one. After quite a search, I found one from September 2006 that I thought was an accurate representation of how I think of myself looking. I look about 12 and 150lbs. Sent that picture faster than you can say DREAM ON.

Alas, sometimes I feel every bit the geriatric mother Welsh hospitals categorize us mothers over 30 as. Seriously? Geriatric?

Kick. Us. While. We're. Down. And fat and swollen and hormonal. Anyway.

My point is, I get why Glamour Shots has stayed in business so long, and I back soft focus portrait techniques! Though I don't see the need for feather boas. That's just more seduction than any middle-aged housewife can handle.

Loathing in The Time of Launderia

Substitute title: Ring Around the Collar-a?

Don't know why appliances are high on my list to write about. It's not like I do housework. But here we are, may I be hounded by environmentalists everywhere: I can't escape energy-efficient washing machines. I love the idea of them, of course (who doesn't want to save the planet one wash at a time?), but I hate the reality of them.

My understanding is they work on less water and use less energy by taking longer per load. But here's the rub: how is it energy efficient when you can only half-fill the damned things thus requiring double the loads, and nothing comes out clean so you have to wash them twice?

Am I high or is that more energy, less efficiency?

They're ever so popular in Europe, where they are rarely accompanied by tumble dryers and located in the kitchen. A kitchen usually located in an apartment, located in a building without access to an outdoor clothes line. What you are left with is airing your (still dirty) laundry from every surface of the house, usually the radiators – which sometimes you have to turn on especially to dry the clothes. Even if you do have access to the outside with a line, what’s the point if you live in a place where it rains, like the UK, 360 days a year?

Now, being Americans with tumble dryers, you might not know that if your laundry is left to dry of its own devices, it can take days, and as time passes, your clothes develop a mildewy smell and you have to start the process all over again. It’s a nightmare.

Doing laundry is the one chore I don’t loathe, but give me an energy-sucking, high-speed, meter-spinning, stain-removing, truly convenient, lovely jubbly machine that finishes a wash in under two hours and I may just be able to focus some time on putting away the clean clothes instead of piling them up on the dresser.

One Small Leap for Cameron...

One giant leap for everyone around the pool.

Cam took me swimming today, nearly in all my clothes. He marched right through the door, broke free of my hand, and ran and jumped into the pool. Managed to grab him mid-air by his shirt collar, leaving him with two bleeding claw marks down the back of his neck and a red necklace-looking mark around the front. Was he phased? No. Was I? No. Did everyone else -- including the lifeguard who usually spends eight hours a day staring at an empty pool wondering how his life had come to this -- crap themselves? Yes.

Foiled!

Day by day, I'm foiling my own plan. Which was to ruin Cameron for any other woman, have him live with us well into his forties, whilst supporting us from our basement via some Internet money-making endeavor.

Yet I continue to give him the tools he will need to leave me. Take tonight, for instance. After pooping on his potty (it is once again en vogue) and rubbing some amount of soap on himself in the shower, he indicated he wanted to sleep in his bed, not his crib. And there he stayed.

All this independence at 19 months doesn't suit me. At the park today, we met this little boy the exact same age, down to the day. While he sat playing quietly by his mom, Cam sprinted away repeatedly. After the ball, the bird, the dog, down the stairs, for no reason. Bah!

If this is now, what happens at 19 years? I ask you. If you could let me know, that'd be cool. Because apparently I'm also going to need to find an alternate source of income in my twilight years.

Air Force One Giant PR Snafu

Our building was buzzed by Air Force One with fighter-jet chaperone three times Monday. There are varying reports as to why this was, but if they were looking for a PR disaster to take the focus off swine flu for a few minutes they succeeded.

The media reports of people panicking in our post-9/11 world are not over-hyped for once, as it really was disconcerting. The planes were loud and close, and seeing a huge plane with F-16 escort near NYC just makes you think, oh God.

There are pros and cons to living with someone in the airline industry. Plane-related things can be easily explained, but sometimes you don't want to hear the answer. Mitch knew there was something weird before he saw the F-16. Apparently, pilots in 747s don't turn at such severe angles, especially near airports and cities. All I saw was a huge plane with a Top Gun plane following, flying at building level around New York and didn't think that boded well for anyone.

I asked if we should leave our building -- we're on the 14th floor. Mitch said no. The second time around they were so close Mitch could see the Presidential seal, flag, colors and said it was Air Force One. I didn't buy it, even as he was saying there was no chance Obama was on board given how the pilot was flying. By the third pass I believed him and relaxed.

For me, it was scary, bizarre then cool. For NYers, it was just scary. I'm not one to think people should necessarily be fired when there's a publicized mistake made, but for once I hope the mastermind behind this gets a big pink slip for adding plane panic on top of swine panic on top of economic panic on top of existing and enduring terrorist panic around here.

The Best Show On TV Today

I was writing this a few days ago but hadn't finished it yet to post, and sadly, Bea Arthur died yesterday. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beatrice_Arthur

Will finish it today, but honestly? A little sad about the whole thing.

From Friday:
The best show on TV today? Any guesses?

The Golden Girls. Hands down. It's not syndicated enough in my opinion, and it's offered 2-4 hours a day on different networks around here.

How old do you think the characters (not the actresses) were on The GG? When you're nine, which I was when the show originally aired in 1985, anyone older than about 26 was really old. Which could explain why I always thought the characters were in their mid-70s. Didn't you? But I was watching the other day, and it turns out they were meant to be in their 50s!

There are a lot of surprises about that. First, my mom's around that age -- plus or minus. Well, plus -- and dang, she looks good! Way younger than any of them. Second, what was with the blue-rinse, poodle-perm set hair? Third, how is it the image of a fifty year old could change so drastically in a matter of a few years?

Watching as an adult, I'm more clued in on the jokes, and there lies another surprise: how'd they get away with that content two decades ago? Suppose that's what makes it still relevant in 2009.

I also wonder where that kind of talent is today. What comediennes of my generation will have careers spanning 7 decades, winning Tonys, Emmys, and stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame? All singing, all dancing real talents? TV, movies, Broadway. Seriously, name one. I do love the old-timey movies for that reason. Pure talent. Give me a Betty White any day over...god, I can't even think of anyone current. OK, I'll give you Tina Fey.

From Today:
I was watching today, as most days, and I realized just how relatable Bea's character was, especially to me. In this episode, she was meant to remarry Stan, so Sophia -- in an attempt to change her mind -- brings home their shoe-repair guy. Sophia says something about the guy knowing Dorothy's shoe size and is willing to date her anyway. Reminded me of my mom when I was learning how to scuba dive in Australia. Told me to point my feet toward the shark should I be attacked as I could stand to lose a few inches in that region. Moms. Love-hate relationships, eh?

So here are a few classic Dorothy lines as stolen from imdb.com:
-- "You'll have to excuse my mother. She suffered a slight stroke a few years ago which rendered her totally annoying."
-- "Good night, Rose. Go to sleep, honey. Pray for brains."
-- "I got the feeling I was the man's first date that wasn't inflatable."
-- "Remind me when I feel better to kick the crap out of her."

Alas.

"Riff"-Off Bursturds

I was lying in bed, listening to classical music to go to sleep (as the young kids do these days), and on comes this symphony I knew. This was a bit odd because even though I am 80-year-old lady enough to listen to the classical station and am familiar with the names of most and works of a few of these composers, I'm not as sad as knowing them off by heart and humming the tune before it's played. But there I was, la-dee-dah-ing right along with. It was so strange!

Halfway through, it hit me. Brahms, the cheeky git, stole the melody for his 3rd symphony, 3rd movement, from none other than Santana and Dave Matthews' song Love of My Life. Or possibly it was the other way around.

It appears I can't add YouTube clips to the individual posts, so here are the links. I like the quote from Dave, "The song that Carlos started was an idea he had...". To apparently rip off melodies from dead guys who won't know the difference. I'm guessing this happens a lot, so if any of you wacky funsters out there have other examples, drop me a message because I find it really interesting. I won't judge you or your eclectic music taste.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BA266naCH_0

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1trE3ms3AGo

PS Dave, if you are reading this, I in no way think less of your musical talents and will wholly blame this on Carlos because surely he duped you, and I will certainly follow you on tour if you ask me.